“I thought it was the TV,” Gail said. By the time she had the phone down the hallway towards the bathroom, the call had jumped to voice mail.
I waited for notification that someone had left a message. And waited. And waited. I checked the incoming number. It was the ENT department at the University of Maryland Medical Center.
“Ah. This could be one of three things,” I thought, listing them in order of probability. “Either they have an answer on the PET/CT scan, or they need to reschedule today’s visit, or there’s something about the Friday thing they wanna discuss.” But I didn’t know. BECAUSE NOBODY LEFT A FUCKING VOICE MAIL.
So, naked, sitting on the closed toilet seat, I called the number back. Got the voice mail. “If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it now. Otherwise, please hold and we will connect you with the next available operator.”
So I waited. Then I got the “boo dee DEEP! We are sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed.”
By now, I was very, very happy.
I called back again. Got the same “If you know your party’s extension,” message, but this time it kicked over into a music/commercial for U-Md Medical Center tape loop.
At length, a very pleasant woman answered. I told her who I was and why I was calling. She connected me to the ENT department. I got the voice mail. Since that is what voice mail is FOR, I LEFT A MESSAGE!
About 15 minutes went by. I called the number again. This time I was answered directly by someone in ENT. The reason for the initial call? The insurance company is still weighing the pros and cons of allowing my wife to continue living, so there hasn’t been an answer on the PET/CT scan yet. But no worries. The doctor can do the operative endoscopy without the PET scan.
Fine. This is something this young lady could have easily told me on the voice mail!!!
I swear, if I get through this adventure without killing anyone, I deserve the Presidential Medal of Fucking Freedom!